that dirty nine letter word: surrender

So I've never admitted that i'm something special in the Department of Surrender. It's always been my hardest thing. But also, the most common way God chooses to get through to me. This is the third or fourth time that God has had to physically removed a boy from my life, in order to teach me the How To's of Surrender. Seriously, you can go back on my xanga and read all the different friends and boyfriends I've had to learn how to surrender to God's good will. Sometimes I think this is pretty pathetic. Sometimes I wonder how many times I can do this to someone. Sometimes I question if I'll ever get it right. Tonight my older sister called me and made me tell her what's going on. She told me a lot of stuff, I need to get it out here:

He cares, He addressed Mary Magdalene by name at the tomb when she came looking for him. He asked her why she's crying, even though He knew. He's gonna' do it anyway, like Leah said, I am too small to mess up God's plan for my future. He knows it all anyway.

I think I've been secretly thinking that I can control these situations. I'll give you Anthony...for a day or two. Then I'll come back and see how You've been healing him, keeping him for me. Cuz I'm in control, and I get what I want and what I want is him right now. The minute I realize it's out of my hands, that very minute I can begin to heal inside. Anthony has hurt me, I let him, shame on me. Anthony has hurt me by opening his mouth in optimism, shame on him. If I let Anthony ruin my time for healing...we are all doomed!

He wants my heart. He doesn't want to see me turning to my friends, or turning to Anthony and small talk to make me feel instantly better. I give up, I give this shit up. I simply cannot handle anymore disappointment, nor any more playing around. This is real this time, and it probably will be the next time too. As long as I continue to look at the couples of this world, and want what they have instead of wanting the things God wants.        That's all changing now. I have nothing more to lose.

Currently Listening Kingdom Come By Jay-Z see related

holla' at yo boi followed by "What do we NEED?"

there is a special charm about fighting with some people. it nearly turns me on. the adrenaline rushes and flows and the fighting words come out of my mouth like a dirty faucet of well water, you know, the kind that leave rusty rings on a ceramic sink. yeah that kind. but really, in my interim class "Praying the Psalms" they teach us to do the opposite. sometimes it's really hard for me to hold my tongue and stop myself from saying things that hurt others. becuase the rush is still there, see.

i love computers. i love internet access. i love these things when they are both free. i will miss them when i leave trinity. this also poses another problem for me. i want to live simply. i love native americans, their heritage, their practices, their beliefs about stewardship of the earth, and the way they require communal vengeance. thus i want to want less in life. in fact i want it so much, that i ask Jesus for it. Jesus, make me want less. thanks, esther. anyway. it'd be hard for me to not want computers anymore. also i would still want extravagant things like boots and hot ass pants and low cut shirts and bling and shiny hair and a sweet cellphone with all the trimmings and tons and tons (literally here, like 1,000 lbs.) of things. that's it, just things. things i don't NEED. i want things i don't need. i want to live like that. having things that i NEED only. no air conditioning. no toastie ovens. no fritos no doritos. no more. just necessary items. tampons, towel, refrigerator, etc. but really let's think here. what do we NEED? no one knows anymore, our imaginations have been taken captive by an industry out to make us think we "NEED" to look skinnier. or shinier hair, or more tan. i'm scared. i don't know when i NEED something and when i "NEED" something. they bothe look similar don't they? you tello me.

Currently Listening Welcome to Diverse City By tobyMac see related

Whereas This is the Truth

This is the big lie the world tells us: that the universe is connected by trade agreements, electronic banking, computer networks, shipping lanes, and the seeking of profit—nothing else. Whereas this is the truth of God: all creation is one  holy web of relationships, and gifts meant for all; that creation vibrates with the pain of all its parts, because its true destiny is joy.

study guide and group discussion questions from ESTHER JOY

9/11 doesn't absolve me of the need to love my enemies. read this story as i go through questions i'm struggling over:  http://www.beliefnet.com/blogs/godspolitics/2006/12/will-braun-christian-soldier-returns_08.html

how do i let the bible shape my opions instead of letting my opinions shape it? and why do i have a problem with that anyway?

"We do know [Jesus] preaches peace," says Marjor Norman W. Jones, an Army Chaplain whom Lauituri consulted at one point, "but it did not mean [Jesus] was against a nation going to war." is this contradictory to me? and why? he points to the Biblical command to obey the government as the bottome line, though he adds that obedience to God trumps duty to one's nation. at least we agree on that point.

you cannot kill someone in love. love my enemies...can only mean to me, that i cannot kill them. is it morally wrong to do nothing about a nation's enemies? if Jesus had died for all sins, we can keep killing and being forgiven?Romans 6

Dead to Sin, Alive in Christ

 1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

are faith and military service compatible? am i limiting God by saying yes? but am i necessarily part of God's hand in bringing judgment to Muslim extremists?

"At that point Laituri was not actually trying to leave the Army, because he saw the human anguish within military ranks, and didn't think it was Christ-like to just abandon people in need. He just wanted to have the right to refuse to bear arms.  But the military is not going to send someone to war without a weapon, and, as it turns out, it may not treat you very well if you make such a request. With re-deployment looming, Laituri's superiors dragged their feet on the CO (conscious objector) process, missing stipulated procedural deadlines without explanation."

do my actions benefit the enemies of America? is that good, given Jesus' invitation to love the enemy? "according to the United Church Observer, 8,000 members of the U.S. military have deserted since the Iraq war began. During World War II, nearly 43,000 Americans refused to fight for reasons of conscience, and during the Vietnam War 170,000 COs were formally recognized. In addition, 25,000 to 30,000 so-called draft dodgers fled to Canada in the Vietnam era."

how could i miss this??: "Sanctuary has multiple meanings. A sanctuary is the consecrated (or sacred) area of a church or temple around its tabernacle or altar. In medieval law, a sanctuary was a place of religious right of asylum for felons on the run from the law. An animal sanctuary is a place where animals live and are protected. In modern parlance the term is used to mean a place of safety"

ponder the similarities between the sanctuary in the Temple and political asylum sanctuary. what is God trying to tell us?

Currently Listening Under the Iron Sea By Keane see related

BBC NEWS' Generation Next project

The BBC World News had a special segment taken from their Generation Next project on the news tonight. what this project is about is asking kids, under 18, what they think about the world. kids log in and record their response and some get read on the show. i was perusing through some response online and i just couldn't stop reading. these are so hopeful and have shown me so much about the Socialist system in England and its problems. leave it to the mouth of babes for truth to be released. check it out. Kean

Added: Sunday, 3 December, 2006, 10:19 GMT 10:19 UK

The young people of today have a great responsibility.
Keep your dreams active and your ideals above anything.
Negativity is the way of dissilusioned adults, greedy and small minded people.
Be clear sighted and responsible for others.
Compassion and truth are your real armour.
The road is long and hard but the rewards, for everyone, without measure and true spirituality.

peter lee, morecambe